everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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