If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
