i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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