sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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