I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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