I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize