We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Randomize