cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Randomize
