I want to have your abortion
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
