Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
