What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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