My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
