ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
