Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
