I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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