I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
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