update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
