what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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