3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
