I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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