Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
