so that wasnt chicken after all
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Randomize
