so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Dignity is for republicans.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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