I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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