I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize