i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Randomize
