A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
