he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
