Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
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