he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
