Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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