the condom got lost in my hair
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
