Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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