don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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