I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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