This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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