i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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