I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Randomize
