I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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