I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
