I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
