My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
