Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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