I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
