I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
