Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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