I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
