That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
drinking out of a sandbucket again
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
