You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
i think i have herpe
just one?
I am midnight drunk by noon
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
