Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize
