I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
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