I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Randomize
