they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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