I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
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