I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Randomize
