Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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