I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
