i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
