had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
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